Captain Pinhead

Gad Zooks! Underused turns of phrase, expressions, sayings, quotes and words with kitch appeal/cult uses.

Hilarity, Lanugage & Dialect, Mind-Vomit, Quotes No Responses »

Jan 072012

These are words and expressions that don’t see much use in modern day English. Unless we raise awareness, they will simply fade away, never to be chuckled at heartily again. Feel free to add to these.

Well I’ll be a son of a gun
To Tickle My Fancy
Blimey
You bet your sweet bippy
Vamoose
I say, old chap
The bees knees
Young whipper snapper
Blithery poop!
Holy guacamole
Heebie-Jeebies
Gad Zooks!
Gee whiz
Cut of your jib
Whole Kit and caboodle
Willy nilly
A load of codswallop
Run Amok
Heavens to betsy
Shiver me timbers
Darn Tootin’
I say, old chap
Aw, shucks
The heebie jeebies
Top ‘o’ the morning
Shut your pie hole
A bunch of Hooligans
Fisticuffs
Ninkempoopery
To wallow in one’s own crapulence
Spectacles, Monacle
No good-nick
Fiddlesticks!
Box Social
“The infamous….”
“The pinnacle of…”
“Bestow upon”
Festively plump
One’s Netheregions
One’s Woe or Plight instead of “problems”
Caliber
To go hagledy pagledy
To run for the hills
To run amok
To run rampant
By Golly
Sonny Jim
Laddy Boy
Boy Howdy
Spiffing
Shin dig
Bolderdash!
Darn tootin’
Jimmie Cricket
Gee willickers
How frightfully rude, I certainly hope someone stabs you in the eye.
Australianisms that are so offensive they’re funny – Strewth, Grouse
Pardon my language, but you’ve ruffled my petticoats for the last time! (futurama)
My tusks, Babar
Shpadoinkle (Cannibal! The musical)
Spoot, Spootenheimer, Spoot head, SPoot meister, Spoot wad (angry beavers)
Cromulent, Embiggened (Simpsons)

Go on, shove them into your vocabulary, thereby expanding it. Also, add your own favourite quirky words so that I may expand mine.

Nitrous Oxide Addiction – The Unknown Perils of Inhaling Nos

Drugs, I Made Art!, Nitrous Oxide, Photos & Created Images, Visual Amusement 1 Response »

Jan 062012

780 Boxes of Nitrous illustrating the fact that no matter how many boxes of nitrous you have, you will always want one more box. Letters are two boxes tall and each box contains 10 bulbs – all of them empty, of course. They had to be taken, drugs don’t store well and I didn’t want them to go off – not unless they were doing so in my system.

If submerging oneself in a bathtub full of something isn’t a sign of overindulgence, decadence and poor bathtub maintenance know-how, I don’t know what is. This one features the customary “make a face befitting the tragedy you are depicting” pose, dedicated to the photographer who refused to shoot me until it was stricken.

Recent stand-up comedy: Fresh New Jokes & One-liner Jokes.

Hilarity, Jokes, Quotes No Responses »

Jan 062012

“I’d like to call my kid Ladies and Gentlemen: “This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen.” Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please!”" – Louis CK
“I was licking jelly off my boyfriend’s penis, then all of a sudden I started thinking, “oh, my God, I’m turning into my mother…”
“I’ve got a baby niece and I can make her laugh so easy. You know what babies love? Ethnic jokes.”
“I guarantee, if you take a shower with your boyfriend, by the time you step out, your breasts will be sparkling clean.” – 3 jokes by Sarah Silverman

“Thank you all very much for not filming this on your cell phone. That has become the new scourge of stand-up = people sitting there thinking, “Well, I want to enjoy this…But now is not good for me. Later would be better. Later and smaller would be better for my schedule.” – John Oliver

“You all know Unlce Sam? He’s that goat-faced dude who dresses up like Apollo Creed. And he’s always pointing at you – he wants you…Is that really the imagery we should be listening to? An uncle who looks like he’s about to touch you? A touch uncle? Uncle Sam wants you…to keep a secret…” – Glenn Wool
“How do insurance companies know what is and isn’t an act of God? Do they have a hotline to God? Do they call him up?
God: Hello, God speaking, what do you want?
Gervais: Um, that volcanic ash cloud – was that you?
God: Yep. Yes that was an act of me alright.
Gervais: So we shouldn’t pay out?
God: No, don’t f*king pay them a penny, son.
Gervais: Brilliant. While I’ve got you here, did you make a tree fall on Steve Baxter’s car?
God: There’s a lot of Steve Baxters…
Gervais: Steve Baxter, 2 acacia Rd, Houndslow. It happened at 2.15pm on the 3rd of June this year.
God: 2.15? Third of June? No, that wasn’t me. I was in Africa that day giving AIDS to babies.” – Ricky Gervais

“I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure. “- Alan Sharp
“Why do people feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come come in thinking “I’M GOING TO KILL…Ah darn, he’s under a blanket!” – Tweet by Peter Griffin

I Challenge Ye to Partake in my Moron-A-Thon: Confess your Biggest Blunder

Brain Food, Group Behaviours & Commonly held Perspectives, Hilarity, Interactive Posts No Responses »

Dec 292011

Most people know at least one embarrassing story featuring a monumentally foolish human deed being punished by a cruel and humorless universe. We all know the phrase “nobody’s perfect” – but just how imperfect can people be?

I have one truly blunder-some anecdote of my own, please add your own and let’s make this a real moron-a-thon.

Once upon an interstate -vacation, I was trying to reach -the peak of Melbourne’s tallest -building when suddenly, years -of being under the influence and -escaping impending doom -finally caught up with me. I -must have made a -miscalculation about the speed -of either myself or the revolving -door, the end result being a -mighty roaring as I overloaded -the door by wedging myself -between one of its panels and -the building, forcing the door to -stop (after attempting to -dislodge me for a few seconds -with the use of force). I had -become wedged in a revolving door, in the middle of a buzzing city. Luckily for me I was extremely high and could not stop laughing at myself, which meant nobody could beat me to it.

I had but one alternative to a cast – wearing an expensive inflatable, removable, space boot for some months. Due to my unrelenting analgesic-gulping ways, the damage lasted over a year: my foot would heal halfway, I would cease to feel the pain and proceed to re-injure it!

Have you or anyone you know done anything to rival my misfortune? Ignobel prize winners would fare well in this experiment, except, bizarre as their actions may be, they have a purpose – this, too, is often obscure. For instance, scientists recently discovered that chickens prefer attractive humans – they consistently choose the same photos as the humans surveyed. Studying chicken attraction, as far as scientific callings go, is a pretty pathetic one. So, if you don’t know anyone who has simply failed at a normal task, like I failed to utilize a door, do you instead know any humans who have succeeded at tasks that probably shouldn’t be tasks to begin with? Let’s not rule out the self-humiliation that these humans achieve. Let us embrace our flawed nature and laugh heartily at random acts of silliness.

Artwork: “The Genius” by V. Maximus on DeviantArt.

I Have Arrived in Greener Pasteurs

Me, Mind-Vomit, my Alter-Egos & Pseudonyms - What we do & why, Photos & Created Images, Visual Amusement 1 Response »

Dec 292011

A taste of things to come – My first Photoshopped Maggigger

Or, rather, more expensive, flashier and less restrictive pastures. Whilst grazing here I plan to focus my writing more on issues of import – soon I shall be denouncing the concept of open mindedness, sharing a hilariously quirky piece of world news-related trivia that is bound to entice hearty chuckling; finally, I shall propose a new voting procedure that will make democracy run smoother whilst pointing out the bumps in its current path. And that’s just in the next fortnight – I’m also expanding my mastery of programs from “word & paint” to include “Photoshop”, and thus I’ll be able to illustrate the quirky scenarios and such that have thus far been imprisoned in my scull. I shall also share some gruesome images of self-harm which have been censored out of WordPress and deviant art in the interests of bringing the behaviour out of the dark, dispelling ignorance about it and abolishing shame related to compulsive self-harming behaviours. I’ll be scanning olden images and juxtaposing them with incredibly inappropriate captions for the sake of our mutual amusement as well. New posts will be only published here at the new adress, so there’s virtually no point in going back to http://www.captainpinhead.wordpress.com, from whence I came (unless you loathe the layout). All worthwhile past publications have been duplicated to kick-start Surrealisations.

Even before I post any exclusive entries here, this blog boasts certain key differences – improvements, rather, that make it crap all over my previous blog. The “about me” has 200% more content and 10x more preposterousness packed into it. Feel free to comment on the style, I’m fairly certain the font, though undoubtedly quirktastic, is too pompous for smooth reading. Or perhaps the two complaining parties are too blame for either reading my words too roughly or their intolerance to obscure fonts.

Surrealisations features easier navigating methods, a system of internal links between similar articles that has the advantage of actual functionality as well as a categorising system which is highly superior to the oafish attempt I made to organize my blogs as they were being created. No un ategorised material running hageldy-pageldy on your page, and categorical overlapping only when posts fall into two distinct categories, not due to the undifferentiated and similar nature of the categories themselves. A little search window that won’t cloud your results with every wordpress blog which mentions the search terms. Last but not least, I have created sub-menus – quite a step up from the “sub-menu” of yesteryear.

To my readers, past and present, I just wanted to say that I’m really looking forward to…

simply steer my body so I can avoid bumping into shit while I walk.

Christmas Arrogance and Malevolence for All

Brain Food, Other, Ridiculing Religion No Responses »

Dec 242011

Nobody is online because secretly, you’re all religious nutsacks and I bet you are celebrating the birth of your messiah and wearing knitted sweaters whilst unpacking gifts with your families on a rug by a fireplace somewhere. Well I hope you carelessly allow a ribbon to fall into the fireplace when you ravage yet another perfectly packaged little box of goodies. Then, whilst you devour your tasty holiday ham, unbeknownst to your family, the ribbon catches on fire, and, like a fuse, beckons the inferno of the fireplace unto this picturesque scene. Your gifts; your rug; your tree; your decorations; your family pictures; better yet, your family members, all are soon devoured by the merciless flames and all that is left is a lump of coal, and a lump sum of monies from house and life insurance for the delinquent family member who refused to partake in the Christmas farce.
Basically, I hope you’re all choking on this joke of a holiday and milking it for any possible financial gain.

Now these are some Christmas wishes I doubt you’ll ever find inside of a hallmark card.

How to take nos – an Illustrated Guide

Drugs, Nitrous Oxide, Photos & Created Images, Visual Amusement No Responses »

Dec 232011

This is a photographic guide to taking nitrous. For a detailed look on what to expect and how to have a good trip click here – and no, you can’t just look at the photos and wing it; there are diagrams of how to load your machine, and to be safe you have to Read This – the condensed dos and do nots can be found here.

If you’ve read the more detailed page, this is what you could see on nos:

Dualism – Philosophy of Religion Essay

Brain Food, Essays, Ridiculing Religion 1 Response »

Dec 232011

“Dualism…is the most common theory of mind in the public at large, it is deeply entrenched in most of the world’s popular religions, and has been the dominant theory of mind for most of Western history”

What is dualism in the philosophy of mind? What forms does dualism take? Two of the most significant problems with dualism are (i) the problem of brain functioning and (ii) the problem of causal efficacy. Explain what these problems are. Can any form of dualism overcome these problems?

The enigma of existence and mankind’s place in the world has raised a number of interesting and highly mysterious questions concerning the nature of the human mind. Since the time of ancient Greece, one of the principle problems for philosophers has been trying to reconcile the ambiguous nature of the human mind with the physical world[1]. While a variety of different theories exist, the most prevalent one throughout civilisation has probably been dualism, which was first formally postulated by Rene Descartes in the 17^th century, although it no doubt existed subconsciously for many generations before that. This essay attempts to take a critical look at dualism and then enumerate some of the arguments for and against it. It will, finally, through a process of research-based extrapolation, suggest that a firm rejection of dualism is the only viable option to ensure the further development of the philosophy of mind.

On Happiness, On Mushrooms

Brain Food, Drugs, Group Behaviours & Commonly held Perspectives, Mushrooms & LSD No Responses »

Dec 232011

We don’t enjoy simple things as much as we should. We’re so wrapped up in the trivial, menial details of everyday life that we never stop to lay on the grass and stare at the clouds. Watching cartoons is ok, but it’s enjoying a set entertainment, prescribed by someone else. Watching clouds requires no money, no technology; clouds are never polluted by anyone else’s intention. They’re entirely open to your interpretation of them. Sure, when people ask you what you do for fun and you reply “stare at clouds” or “play with my kitties” they may not be as able to relate as if you were to reply “family guy, drugs, etc”. This is just because they don’t also enjoy such simple things; it doesn’t mean these things are not worthwhile. It just means you need new friends who you can relate to better. Staring at clouds is certainly a better way to pass the time than going to an establishment like [insert trendy pub/club] to spend time with inebriated, sweaty people who you deem “friends”. Sure you may like them, but you can’t even hear what they don’t have to say over the blaring music (which you don’t get to choose). You may have interesting conversations, but if that’s all because you’re on drugs, and you can’t even fully recollect the events of the night upon sobering, then how have you learned? It may be fun, but at what cost? Your brain, your time. It’s an empty enjoyment that will leave you with that same void in the end.

Change your perspective, change your priorities. If you’re unhappy, don’t whine about it and cover up the tears with drugs. Don’t escape it, actively work to change your reality so that it is no longer something that needs escaping. Drugs have their use, but they should always be the icing on the cake; never the cake itself. Happiness cannot be found in a gram of meth, a nos machine or a syringe. Happiness has to come from within, from a place so independent of the details of your life that nothing can shake it.

Treat life like a trip – don’t allow yourself to have a bad one.

Christianity vs. Logic, round 1

Brain Food, Ridiculing Religion 1 Response »

Dec 232011

The amount of contradictions in the christian bible is probably enough to publish a contradictionary on the topic. If you’re pressed for time and looking for some snappy questions that will befuddle your religious foes, read only the bold sections. My interest in the topic dates way back: in my own words, i was “tearing holes in the stocking of religion to reveal the leg of truth” in 2006. Having conferred with my trusty sidekick, bitchslap chicken, on the matter, I noticed and documented the following conundrums within christianity – things that would make no sense even if one was to take certain christian assumptions for granted:

a) Does heaven promise happiness?
Families often disagree on the “god” issue – but how do the religious plan on enjoying their stay in heaven when they expect your sorry arse to end up in hell? Surely such an occurrence would dampen the whole “eternal bliss” scenario. How could the parent of a child condemned to hell ever forget about their suffering and plight and enjoy any of the promised happy fun times with Jesus in heaven? It is possible that god gives such unfortunates a dose of amnesia to allow them to be perpetually happy and fulfilled as advertised in church? Is this the best that christian parents of heathens like myself can hope for in an afterlife? Being tricked into contentment by way of a amnesia ray a la Men In Black, a procedure that essentially lobotomises a vital part of them and blinds you to the existence of those who you so cherished? This scenario is reminiscent of the nauseating forced happiness that one experiences on extacy; for those who have avoided this experience, just pretend you’re Neo and instead of finding out the disturbing truth you choose the other pill and slip back into the predictable life within the matrix.

Older Entries

Surrealisations

Captain Pinhead

Gad Zooks! Underused turns of phrase, expressions, sayings, quotes and words with kitch appeal/cult uses.

Nitrous Oxide Addiction – The Unknown Perils of Inhaling Nos

Recent stand-up comedy: Fresh New Jokes & One-liner Jokes.

I Challenge Ye to Partake in my Moron-A-Thon: Confess your Biggest Blunder

I Have Arrived in Greener Pasteurs

Christmas Arrogance and Malevolence for All

How to take nos – an Illustrated Guide

Dualism – Philosophy of Religion Essay

On Happiness, On Mushrooms

Christianity vs. Logic, round 1

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