We fur-challenged monkeys, with our superior opposable thumbs, designed clothes to keep our inferior weak bodies from freezing. Fat stores are reserves in case of future hunger, also working as a level of insulation to protect our organs from the harsh weather. These things kept our species alive through the ice age, when, as the title suggests, it was rather frosty, and food was scarce. (Think squirrel and nuts from “Ice Age”. It’s almost worth watching the movie just to see his sporadic scenes.)

Without clothes and fat stores humans would not have survived nature’s onslaught. I only need draw your attention to one thing to make this obvious – the phallus. It protrudes from the body (thereby leaving it vulnerable to the cold, much unlike the female ovaries which are nestled comfortably in between other organs) and emits fluids. (In freezing weather, emitting fluids is just about the worst thing you can do.) A penis, uncovered and unwarmed in freezing weather, is not only likely to freeze off entirely, it is guaranteed not to perform its function of spreading the seed that its accompanying testicles manufacture. Without clothing, penises would have been extinct, which unfortunately has negative consequences for the reproduction and ensuing survival of our species. Sure, the women would have tried to woo mammoths and other hairier creatures with working genitalia, however the success rate of the courtship would have been low, and the results of breeding frightening. It is obvious we owe a lot to clothes, and fat, and penises, for ensuring that we are alive today. However, at some point in history, things took a turn for the worst. As the weather improved, clothes were no longer always a necessity.

 

Continue reading »

 

Today’s theory is that all dinosaurs came from a common ancestor who should obviously be named Hpothesaurus Rex due to the speculative nature of his existence. Below, we see his copious amounts of theorized tentacle-like arms that have often been attributed to the Hypothesaurus, but we don’t see the hypothesaurus actually depicted – for to do so would ruin the powers of your imagination to create thine own version! The blue one at the top of this page is just some random dinosaur named Brian. From Captain Pinhead – your local Pontificator.

But I digest. This entry follows Captain Pinhead’s strange and wonky journey towards success, and the ridiculous experiences he’s had on the way.

 In my younger years, I was always told I had such potential, that I was    going places. And how these prophesies have come to pass – why just  this morning I visited my local centrelink (the organization that pays the  unemployed of Australia)  orifice and spoke at length with one of their  psychiatrists about my thorough incompetence at all things life-related.  She concluded that it was a miracle that I could function outside of a  padded room at all – the added stress of employment was out of the question. I think it helped the situation that whenever I was asked a question I responded with “let me put my thinking cap on” and proceeded to encase my head in helmet fashioned out of a salad bowl covered in aluminum foil. And thus it came to pass that the mighty bludging has been extended for another year!

Continue reading »

© 2011 Captain Pinhead Suffusion theme by Sayontan Sinha