Hilarity » Surrealisations

Gad Zooks! Underused turns of phrase, expressions, sayings, quotes and words with kitch appeal/cult uses.

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Jan 072012

These are words and expressions that don’t see much use in modern day English. Unless we raise awareness, they will simply fade away, never to be chuckled at heartily again. Feel free to add to these.

Well I’ll be a son of a gun
To Tickle My Fancy
Blimey
You bet your sweet bippy
Vamoose
I say, old chap
The bees knees
Young whipper snapper
Blithery poop!
Holy guacamole
Heebie-Jeebies
Gad Zooks!
Gee whiz
Cut of your jib
Whole Kit and caboodle
Willy nilly
A load of codswallop
Run Amok
Heavens to betsy
Shiver me timbers
Darn Tootin’
I say, old chap
Aw, shucks
The heebie jeebies
Top ‘o’ the morning
Shut your pie hole
A bunch of Hooligans
Fisticuffs
Ninkempoopery
To wallow in one’s own crapulence
Spectacles, Monacle
No good-nick
Fiddlesticks!
Box Social
“The infamous….”
“The pinnacle of…”
“Bestow upon”
Festively plump
One’s Netheregions
One’s Woe or Plight instead of “problems”
Caliber
To go hagledy pagledy
To run for the hills
To run amok
To run rampant
By Golly
Sonny Jim
Laddy Boy
Boy Howdy
Spiffing
Shin dig
Bolderdash!
Darn tootin’
Jimmie Cricket
Gee willickers
How frightfully rude, I certainly hope someone stabs you in the eye.
Australianisms that are so offensive they’re funny – Strewth, Grouse
Pardon my language, but you’ve ruffled my petticoats for the last time! (futurama)
My tusks, Babar
Shpadoinkle (Cannibal! The musical)
Spoot, Spootenheimer, Spoot head, SPoot meister, Spoot wad (angry beavers)
Cromulent, Embiggened (Simpsons)

Go on, shove them into your vocabulary, thereby expanding it. Also, add your own favourite quirky words so that I may expand mine.

Recent stand-up comedy: Fresh New Jokes & One-liner Jokes.

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Jan 062012

“I’d like to call my kid Ladies and Gentlemen: “This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen.” Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please!”" – Louis CK
“I was licking jelly off my boyfriend’s penis, then all of a sudden I started thinking, “oh, my God, I’m turning into my mother…”
“I’ve got a baby niece and I can make her laugh so easy. You know what babies love? Ethnic jokes.”
“I guarantee, if you take a shower with your boyfriend, by the time you step out, your breasts will be sparkling clean.” – 3 jokes by Sarah Silverman

“Thank you all very much for not filming this on your cell phone. That has become the new scourge of stand-up = people sitting there thinking, “Well, I want to enjoy this…But now is not good for me. Later would be better. Later and smaller would be better for my schedule.” – John Oliver

“You all know Unlce Sam? He’s that goat-faced dude who dresses up like Apollo Creed. And he’s always pointing at you – he wants you…Is that really the imagery we should be listening to? An uncle who looks like he’s about to touch you? A touch uncle? Uncle Sam wants you…to keep a secret…” – Glenn Wool
“How do insurance companies know what is and isn’t an act of God? Do they have a hotline to God? Do they call him up?
God: Hello, God speaking, what do you want?
Gervais: Um, that volcanic ash cloud – was that you?
God: Yep. Yes that was an act of me alright.
Gervais: So we shouldn’t pay out?
God: No, don’t f*king pay them a penny, son.
Gervais: Brilliant. While I’ve got you here, did you make a tree fall on Steve Baxter’s car?
God: There’s a lot of Steve Baxters…
Gervais: Steve Baxter, 2 acacia Rd, Houndslow. It happened at 2.15pm on the 3rd of June this year.
God: 2.15? Third of June? No, that wasn’t me. I was in Africa that day giving AIDS to babies.” – Ricky Gervais

“I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure. “- Alan Sharp
“Why do people feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come come in thinking “I’M GOING TO KILL…Ah darn, he’s under a blanket!” – Tweet by Peter Griffin

I Challenge Ye to Partake in my Moron-A-Thon: Confess your Biggest Blunder

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Dec 292011

Most people know at least one embarrassing story featuring a monumentally foolish human deed being punished by a cruel and humorless universe. We all know the phrase “nobody’s perfect” – but just how imperfect can people be?

I have one truly blunder-some anecdote of my own, please add your own and let’s make this a real moron-a-thon.

Once upon an interstate -vacation, I was trying to reach -the peak of Melbourne’s tallest -building when suddenly, years -of being under the influence and -escaping impending doom -finally caught up with me. I -must have made a -miscalculation about the speed -of either myself or the revolving -door, the end result being a -mighty roaring as I overloaded -the door by wedging myself -between one of its panels and -the building, forcing the door to -stop (after attempting to -dislodge me for a few seconds -with the use of force). I had -become wedged in a revolving door, in the middle of a buzzing city. Luckily for me I was extremely high and could not stop laughing at myself, which meant nobody could beat me to it.

I had but one alternative to a cast – wearing an expensive inflatable, removable, space boot for some months. Due to my unrelenting analgesic-gulping ways, the damage lasted over a year: my foot would heal halfway, I would cease to feel the pain and proceed to re-injure it!

Have you or anyone you know done anything to rival my misfortune? Ignobel prize winners would fare well in this experiment, except, bizarre as their actions may be, they have a purpose – this, too, is often obscure. For instance, scientists recently discovered that chickens prefer attractive humans – they consistently choose the same photos as the humans surveyed. Studying chicken attraction, as far as scientific callings go, is a pretty pathetic one. So, if you don’t know anyone who has simply failed at a normal task, like I failed to utilize a door, do you instead know any humans who have succeeded at tasks that probably shouldn’t be tasks to begin with? Let’s not rule out the self-humiliation that these humans achieve. Let us embrace our flawed nature and laugh heartily at random acts of silliness.

Artwork: “The Genius” by V. Maximus on DeviantArt.

Isolated Thoughts #3

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Dec 232011

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together… as this will assist the police officers who are about to arrest you all.

No matter what went wrong, she could always rely on one thing to lift her spirits – her hand.

I’m really looking forward to…. to simply…prevent me from bumping into any more things.

I just found out the source of all evil…It’s actually barbecue.

I’ve concluded that I’m imaginary – it’s true, why would your own imagination lie to you. My mind is made up – since I am my brain, all that I am is completely make-believe. So thanks to everyone for believing in me, but it’s no longer necessary-for I am, in fact, fictional.

I never got my poetic license.

I was made at an unsatisfactory.

If there was a dawn of time, will there be a dusk of time at the end of it all? Will it be pretty?

Opiates – you can’t get off on them and you can’t get off of them

Stupid gravity’s always bringing me down.

Like it? Read #1 or #2.

Isolated Thoughts #2

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Dec 232011

There was a fine line between right and wrong, until I snorted it.

I need to develop some patience, immediately.

I’ve never read an article of clothing.

I mind my own business..and struck gold. (This only really works out loud)

I’ve never done anything half-arsedly – if I decide to do something, I make sure I do it full arsedly.

You can look down on anyone if you tilt your head back enough.

My favourite stereotype is Sony.

I smoked the pot at the end of the rainbow.

Like it? Read #1 or #3.

Jack Handey Quotes

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Dec 222011

To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, ‘Hey, can you give me a hand?,’ you can say, ‘Sorry, got these sacks.’
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he’s completely draped in it. Then he’ll stand up and go, ‘Hey, I’m Vine Man.’
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o’-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says ‘You.’ After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words—’mank’ and ‘ind’. What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.
It’s too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

Isolated thoughts

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Dec 222011

Bus tickets must be beings of uttermost confidence, for their sole function is to be validated.

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer…

Food is the opiate of the massive.

Following things blindly must be hard.

And then it dawned on me – the sun.

You are what you eat only while you’re eating meat.

I believe in reunincarnation. We start off with nonexistence, we exist for a while, and upon dying, we return to the nonexistence.

Whenever I’m not feeling myself, I feel other people.

Like it? Read #2 or #3.

Stephen Wright Quotes

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Dec 222011

I can levitate birds. No one cares.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
The sky is falling…no, I’m tipping over backwards.
I’m a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future but only way off to the side.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Continue reading »

Mitch Hedberg Quotes

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Dec 222011

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”
I went to the store, bought eight apples. The clerk said, “Do you want me to put them in a bag?” I said, “No, man, I juggle. But I can only juggle eight. If I’m ever here buying nine apples, fuckin’ bag ‘em up!”
Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. All you would hear is “Awww fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!”
I got a “Do-Not-Disturb” sign on my hotel door. It says “Do Not Disturb”; it’s time we go with “Don’t Disturb”. It’s been “Do Not” for too long. We need to embrace the contraction. “Don’t disturb”; “Do Not” psyches you out. “Do”: “Alright, I get to disturb this guy”. “Not”: “Shit! I need to read faster!”
I like to wear “Do-Not-Disturb” signs around my neck so that little kids can’t tell me knock-knock jokes. I’d say “Hey, how you doing, nephew?” “Knock-knock.” “Read the sign, punk!”
I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar, that flaps goes up to block you from reaching up. That’s a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. “What candy bar are you getting?” “That one, and every one on the bottom row!”
I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines… It’d have to be real fucking big.
If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. “Well, I was lost, but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament!”
I bought a house, it’s a two-bedroom house. But I think it’s up to me how many bedrooms there are, don’t you? Fuck you, real estate lady, this bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that guy’s house. “Sir, you’ve got one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don’t decorate it!”
I don’t have a microwave, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
I wanna get a job naming kitchen appliances. Refrigerator, toaster, blender; you just say what the thing does then you add “er.” Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. “What does this thing do?” “It keeps shit fresh.” “Well, that’s a fresher. I’m going on break.”
I think bigfoot IS blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault: bigfoot is blurry. There’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside… Continue reading »

Demetri Martin Quotes

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Dec 122011

“I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.’”
“I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’ ‘Be nice to people in sneakers.’”
“I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, ‘That is cool.’ But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, ‘That is not cool’. Then I figured it out: ‘Cool’ is all about leather sleeves.”
“‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of – it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after ‘I love you’ or ‘You’re going to live’ or ‘It’s a boy.’””I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it’s such…a specific item. I don’t know that many words and I’m going out…and I have pants. Perfect!”
“When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.”

Surrealisations

Gad Zooks! Underused turns of phrase, expressions, sayings, quotes and words with kitch appeal/cult uses.

Recent stand-up comedy: Fresh New Jokes & One-liner Jokes.

I Challenge Ye to Partake in my Moron-A-Thon: Confess your Biggest Blunder

Isolated Thoughts #3

Like it? Read #1 or #2.

Isolated Thoughts #2

Like it? Read #1 or #3.

Jack Handey Quotes

Isolated thoughts

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Stephen Wright Quotes

Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Demetri Martin Quotes

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